Hellish Scones and Cheesecake Heaven
by RoyalNights
Summary: Two sisters have a run in with Alucard and are turned into vampires, as it turns out they have a knack for cooking! Invoves culinary violence, humor, and a disFUNctional family. Story written for fun and we hope it turns out well!
1. Prologue & Credits

**†Hellish Scones and going to Cheesecake Heaven†**

This is a story of courage and bravery. Tragedy and loss. The power of faith and family. This is a story of cheesecake. And scones. Oh yeah, and bento boxes. Y'know; why not add in some ramen too? I mean they must feel lonely...

This story is fictional, we don't own any of the characters, unless you count Alucard being chained up down there…mwahahha…and Jade and Naomi are ours. This story was written for FUN and is supposed to be weird and funny. Everyone must just love scones.

I hereby dedicate this book to Rhia and me, plus Kouta Hirano and Billie Joe and Yasushi Ishii and... the people who invented cheesecake, and to Tony Blair and the Pope and Japan and England and the Tower of London and the nice people who work at The Cheesecake Factory. Oh, and to scones worldwide. We're with ya all the way.


	2. Chapter 1 Make us like you

**†Hellish Scones and going to Cheesecake Heaven†**

-Laurel Hall Private School, Somerset, England-

Two girls sat at a lunch table in the outside courtyard of their school, a private school in Somerset, England. The sun was shining, not a cloud in the sky as they sat at the wooden picnic table, eating ramen noodles with delicate ivory chopsticks and sipping milk tea out of Styrofoam cups. They sat alone.

The girls were about the same height (due to one wearing boots) and build, with all the right curves in all the right places. The girl with long black hair past her waist seemed to be younger, around 15 or 16, although her body matched her 17 year-old sisters'. She packed away her bowl and chopsticks and stood up, straightening her above-knee green plaid and tucked in white blouse with a little green bow-ish tie on the collar. She wore shorter-than-knee black leather boots with belt buckles on them, and her sister wore the same uniform but with green fishnet tights and shorter boots. She was the taller one, naturally, and unlike her little sister, she had dark blue eyes instead of violet. Her hair was also shorter, but still long. The girl with the longer hair stretched her hands, covered by finger-revealing white gloves with chains dangling off them. "I love being able to go home so early. But we have night classes too." The school started quite early, but ended around noon, and the students came back for short night classes until around 8:30pm. The girls lived on campus, having gotten scholarships, and since their parents had been killed in the bizarre murders around ten years ago. They were shuffled from one orphanage to another, but now they continued their education, living on campus as parent-less orphans. "Come on Naomi, let's go." Said the taller girl and they grabbed their bags, heading to the gate to the large, brick dorms. "I wonder if that murderer will strike again, eh Jade?" said Naomi to her sister, referring to the grisly bloody killings recently that were so similar to their parents. Jade looked up to the azure sky before opening the iron gate to the dorm. "Cheese…I sure would like some…." She sighed.

-London, England-

"He's moving towards Somerset." A young blonde woman with piercing blue eyes and a tan complexion hissed. Integra was in her checkered office looking over some papers; as usual. She rubbed her temples with gloved fingers in frustration and chewed on her cigar. A rouge FREAK had been committing low-level crimes and always escaping her teams, but now he seemed to be heading towards a larger area, one that would be harder to keep away from the media; a private school in Somerset.

"We should've acted instead of letting him get this far! By the time we get there, sufficient damage will have already been done! Walter!"

An older butler appeared on cue and bowed. "Yes?" he asked in a clipped British accent.

"Prepare an assault team at once. And I want an infiltration squad immediately, as soon as the sun sets. Send them to Somerset straight away. Our target is preparing to strike a private school, Laurel Hall, with who knows how many ghouls." The butler began to leave. "Wait. Send in Alucard as well. This could get messy, and fast." The elderly servant disappeared out of the room and Integra went back to being angry and shuffling papers.

-Laurel Hall, 9:03 pm-

Naomi was jolted out of her dreams by a voice. "Get up! Get up!" her classmate, Faith was saying. Naomi rubbed her eyes and sat up, glancing at the clock. "It's only like, 9:00" she started. "No! We have to get out NOW! The schools' under attack!" Faith shouted at her and pulled her towards the nearest exit. "Where's Jade? Did she--" Naomi started, but Faith interrupted again. "No time! I'm sure she got out fine, she's a smart girl!" as soon as they were outside, Faith began to run. Her glasses fell off her freckled nose and her tan features seemed pale; her black hair wild. "Come ON!" Faith yelled in a high voice filled with panic, but Naomi turned back "No! I have to find my sister! I have to find Jade! Now GO!" she shouted and raced back into her dorm, grabbing some clothes and personal items, shoving them into two backpacks. When she set her bare feet onto the tiled hallway, she gasped.

All around her, there were bodies of students, guards an staff, lying in pools of blood and mutilated beyond recognition. She heard a shuffling and saw a shambling, rotting corpse staggering towards her. It wore tattered clothing and with each step, a piece of stinking flesh fell off it's decrepit body. It stopped to chew off a corpse's arm with rotting lips an broken teeth, then shuffled towards Naomi. Naomi screeched in reaction and ran all the way to the cooking room in the other building, where she found

her sister with a butcher knife, fending off three of the stinking walking dead creatures. One noticed Naomi and lunged, knocking over a plate of scones in the process. "NO! NOT THE SCONES!" Naomi shrieked and grabbed a nearby skillet, smashing the creatures head in. She moved on to help attack the other two then embraced Jade. "Let's make them pay for the scones."

She said and Naomi nodded. They made their way upstairs, their lavender nightshirts becoming torn and ragged as they fought through more ghouls. Suddenly, two hands reached out of the darkness and began to choke the life out of them.

Naomi and Jade's vision went, Jade was thrown with her sister against the wall, slamming into the other. Then they heard a gunshot. Instantly, both felt pain around the solar plexus and their vision returned.

A man with white hair tied into a braid was still reaching for them, but now dead; his T-shirt and jeans encrusted with blood and a hole was where his heart should have been.

"You're both going to die soon. Sorry for shooting through you two, I didn't see you.

Jade crouched in front of her little sister, looking to the strange man before them. He was quite tall, with a grey suit and black leather Nazi-like boots. A red trench coat was worn over broad shoulders and a wide, red had was on top of his head, small wisps of jet black hair falling into his red eyes. Red eyes.

"Hellsing? They…..exist? I know you…..and Mr. Tickletoes….the…..te…ddy…." Jade gasped and Naomi joined in. "Yeah…you're that rouge tough dude….wants to be on…argh! Oprah…..cries when he sees…AH! Doctor Phil…" Clutching her fatal injury, Naomi gasped. "A red suit….big guy…OMG are you…..San….ta…  
"SANTA?" "No you idiot, it's Alucard, that Hellsing dude!" Jade responded weakly. "The one….with the doorstop fetish?" "NO!" "The one with the teddy bear who he doesn't want anyone to know he still has and wants to go on Oprah and tell his life story?" "YES! That's him!" Alucard crouched down. "What do I have to do to make you not tell anyone about that? And WHERE did you find that out? I don't think you'll die right away, and I can't kill you, so…what can I do to make you shut up?" "We know because we read, idiot." Naomi said Jade grinned. "If you're what everyone says you are save our lives. Make us like you."

-Hellsing HQ, London England 1:00 am-

Integra saw her servant coming up the way with two bundles in his arms. Groceries? No. Groceries didn't have ridiculously long…hair.  
"Oh god, are you kidding me. Not TWO more. Walter! A cigar, if you will. And get two rooms ready too. Basement level."


	3. Chapter 2 It started with Scones

**:†: Hellish Scones and Cheesecake heaven :†:**

**:†:**** Chapta 2 ****:†:**

**It Started with Scones**

Jade woke up in an unfamiliar place, in an unfamiliar bed, with an unfamiliar… roof? She heard voices outside… a woman, and Alucard. Did this mean…?

The cheeses must be smiling on her!

She sat up happily, an action that she instantly regretted. Rubbing a sore head, she used her other hand to push the lid up, light shone through the crack.

"Ahh!" she shrieked, it burnzz!

"I see our latest mosquito is awake," the woman said smugly, "It took long enough, the other one was up a while ago"  
She hefted the lit up further, pushing it over and it crashed to the ground. "Where's Naomi?" She asked, immediately wondering where her sister was, and weather she had found any cheese. Jade got up and stretched, that coffin was in need of a pillow, and some scones. Yes, cheese scones…

An older man came through the door, "Miss, if you'll follow me, I believe it would be a good idea for you to join your friend "  
"Sister"  
" –Sister in the kitchen"  
"Kitchen? Good." She said, following him. "I'm thirsty, and am craving some cheese scones"  
"I'll get on that right away." He said, and led her out of the room. She followed him, shooting Alucard a mischievous grin, which he replied with a very, very, worried face.

"What's got you bothered? It's your fault you know." Integra said, glaring at him. "They wouldn't be here if not for you"  
"Yes, well." He said, desperately trying to cover his ass, "It's complicated"  
"It cants be THAT complicated"  
"It is"  
"… If you don't tell me, I'm putting you on protection"  
"Wha-!" he said, baffled, "I don't need protection"  
"This is your third kid, Alucard. It's gotta stop somewhere. I don't care what sort of cravings you've got "  
"Integra! This is a PG13 story"  
"Oh, right."

Back to Jade

Jade followed the man up a set of stairs, then down a set or stairs, two left turns, one right, two more lefts, and a right, followed by going down a set of stairs and back into her room.  
"Erm, I don't think this is the kitchen"  
"Oh." Walter said, blinking, "Is that where we where going"  
"Yes"  
"Well, that's this way." He said, and led her just down the hallway. "The bathrooms are right here, on your right, Sera's room is just a short way down the hall, and the Kitchen and dining room for this level is on the right." He said, turning a corner and entering a room.

There was a large table laid out, wooden chairs lining it on either side. Silverware –though obviously not silver, was laid out to feed an army, though it was clear that many of them where never used.  
"Jade!" Naomi called, running up to her sister, "You have to see it! They have eight types of cheese"  
"No way!" Jade said, running after her to see. Sure enough, there they where. Gouda, Brie, Cheddar, Havarti, Swiss, Edam, Parmesan and Mozzarella where all there.  
"It's… just like old times. We're all together again." Naomi said, tears of joy coming to her face.  
"Yeah, but this time we're dead!" He sister said, she looked at her sister, before bursting into tears herself as they hugged each other.  
"I didn't know it could be so perfect!" Naomi cried,  
"But wait!" Jade paused, "The scones"  
Both of them looked around wildly, yanking open cubboards and drawers, "Over here!" Naomi called, "I found them"  
They both looked in awe of the scones, Six cheese, six cinnamon, and six plain scones where sat out in the drawer, the girls went back to their happy reunion.  
"Ahem," a voice came from the doorway, it was Walter. "Dinner is served, I think it's time you met your other housemate." He said, motioning them out of the kitchen.  
The girls looked down at the scones and cheeses, waving goodbye. "Don't worry, we'll be back soon!" they said, going back to the dining hall. As the entered, they noticed another woman. She wore a blue police uniform, though somewhat shorter than one would normally see, had blonde hair, and a light complexion.

"I'll leave you to get acquainted," he said after they had sat down and looked down into their bowls of blood. Jade and Naomi looked at the blood, then up at each other, blinked, and nodded.  
"So…" the woman started, "I'm Seras, and I bet you've figured that you're both Vampires, so am I…" she began, not sure what to say. "You where bitten by Alucard, correct?" Naomi asked,  
"Erm… Yeah…." Seras replied, unsure of what to say.  
"That means…" Naomi started,  
"That you're our…" Jade continued,  
"SISTER!" They both said, getting up and running over to hug her.  
The sisters where all sprawled out over the floor, Seras in worse shape than the other two. "Erm… yeah." Seras wheezed under the weight of both of them, "I guess I'm like your sister, that will work… I hope"  
"Then we can have sleepovers!" Naomi said,  
"Stay up early!" Jade mentioned,  
"Tell ghooost stories!" said Naomi in a strange voice,  
"Play truth or Dare!" Jade said with a grin,  
"Share each others clothes!" Naomi giggled,  
"Sacrifice Barbies!" Jade offered,  
"Play pranks on the house hold!" Naomi intoned,  
"Go on Vampire hun –"

"It seems that you've got big plans, eh?" Integra said, coming in. "Well I'm here to ruin –what are you doing?" she asked, a look of shock on her face as she noticed they where all in a pile on top of an unconscious Seras.  
Jade looked at Naomi, Naomi looked at Jade. They blinked, nodded, and grinned. "MOMMY!"

Within seconds, Integra was on the floor, with a set of teenaged Vampires chattering on about all the fun it would be to finally have a mom.  
"We can go for walks," Naomi started,  
"Ride bikes around town." Jade added,  
"She can read us bedtime stories about the Stinky Cheese man and Bean bun man," Naomi offered,  
"Cooking scones in the kitchen!" Jade cried happily, "ALLLUUUUCCCAAARRRRDDDD!" Integra yelled,  
"Teach us how to shoot things!" Naomi offered,  
"I think that's my job." Alucard said as he phased through a nearby wall.

Naomi and Jade looked up at Alucard, looked at each other, blinked, nodded, and grinned.  
"DADDY!"

Somewhere in the upstairs half of the manor, Walter felt that he was being left out of something. Something that would have caused his back to hurt badly, something that he would not have enjoyed, but it was something all the same. This feeling made Walter unhappy, as he continued to trim one rather pesky hedge into a perfect, pink, pikachu.


	4. Chapter 3 Xtreme it

**:†: Hellish Scones and going to Cheesecake Heaven :†:**

**:†: Chapter 3 :****†:**  
**: Xtreme it :**

"So...how do I work this again?" Naomi asked, looking at her basic 9mm pistol in her hand, then looking up for help. The soldier instructing her sighed and positioned her arms in front of her and feet apart.

"The safety's off, miss. It's loaded and cocked and everything. Just shoot, and aim for the heart or head." he said, exasperated. Naomi's tongue stuck out in concentration and she pulled the trigger, sending a bullet into the target's stomach.

"HA! I did it! In your face, consula!" she shouted at the soldier. He pointed a gloved finger at the target and frowned.

"That's not a lethal area. It doesn't' count."

Naomi frowned and bent the pistol in half then threw it at a soldier's head, laughing as he fell to the ground. She suddenly stopped and held up a finger.

"I'll be right back. I have the puuurfect weapon." she raced out of the room and returned after a while with a...block of cheese?

"Pure Cheddar. Always does the trick!" She said, panting and before the soldier could stop her, she threw the block of cheese at the paper target and smiled, giving him a wink and the thumbs up sign as the head was ripped off; a piece of cheese actually breaking off and heading through the heart.

The soldier slapped his forehead and began to cry.

"Wha? What's wrong? Did it hurt you too? The power of... cheese... Is not a toy. You should be very careful." She said, trying to comfort him. "Everyone's scared the first time that they see...the...power, but it's OK..."

Suddenly a voice split the air, "What do you think you're doing? Look at you, you pitiful excuse for a nosferatu; you don't even know how to kill anything. I'm beginning to regret sucking your blood now, I see it was a waste."

"Master?" Naomi asked, then hissed. "I can too kill stuff, I was the champ House of The Dead player for two years STRAIGHT! You just watch, I've heard you can't be killed. I'm going to prove you all wrong! God darn it, you are sooo dead! How dare you mock me and try to put me down like that? Who the beep do you think you ARE! Yeah, you watch, buy sundown...err...soon, you'll be dead! Yeah! ha! Ha ha haaaaa!" she stormed off to her room and began to plot.

"Alright, time for BATTLE! Seraaasssss! Big siiiiissster!" she yelled and soon Seras was at her door. "No need to yell, what do you want?" she asked. Naomi grinned with her new fangs at the blonde vampiress.  
"I'm going to create the ultimate weapon to defeat master! We need to go shopping." Jade appeared at Seras's side, grinning the same smile as her sister. "Count me in!" she said and soon they were in a circle on the floor, like a little powwow.  
Naomi leaned back and crossed her legs and her arms.  
"If we're going to take down yonder big red dude, we need teddies. Lots of teddies"  
Jade said.  
"I still sleep with a stuffed animal...it's a cow. And I have a sheep too." Naomi put in.  
"Um...won't he get mad?" Seras asked, looking at Naomi.  
"Of course. We'll probably have to hide somewhere for a few days so he'll cool off"  
"So...why are we doing this? And WHY did you drag ME into it"  
"Because it'll be funny, and we're showing him who's boss round these parts! And, you can help us shop"  
Jade brushed some lint off her sweater and sighed. "Yes yes yes, and we need Walter on this one too. It's going to be tough, but it'll be worth it and...then some! And we might even get some candy too"  
Naomi smiled and patted Seras's head. "Right now, we need you, Sister Seras!" she said and Seras fell back onto the floor. "Obviously you two have some plan I have no idea about and I have no choice"  
Jade and Naomi leaned over her and smiled. "That's right"  
Then they both fell onto her.  
"Alright, this is the second time. What's gotten into you two?" Integra asked from the doorway, and glancing at the circle of flashlights and beheaded Barbies in the room. All she got as an answer was a glomp from the two sisters, who she swatted away. "Quick, how soon can we get to the mall?" Jade asked.  
Next Night: THE MALL "You! Clerk! Prepare me for BATTLE!" Naomi yelled and pointed at a trembling salesgirl in JC Penny.  
"Are you sure about this?" Seras asked her. Jade winked at her. " ''s'all good! YOU! Gear me up! And her too"  
Soon the sisters, and a reluctant Seras were outfitted in camouflage shirts, fishnets, black baggy pants with belt buckles, red sunglasses, bracelets (non silver), combat boots...and aprons. "You look uber wickeeed..." Naomi said to Jade who was standing in camouflage chained Capri's, a black sweater and grey newsboy hat, along with black fishnets and combat boots. "Dude, uber sconage to you too!" Jade said. Naomi was decked out in a fishnet long sleeve top, with a black baby doll tee on top, along with black baggy pants that had chain links on the sides, camo visor and red plaid gloves. They looked at Seras.  
"Crumpets!" they exclaimed. Seras...had on just black jeans, black boots, a white off-shoulder top and pink sunglasses, along with a pink camo baseball cap.  
Naomi hugged her and nuzzled her neck. "Aww you look soo...CUTE!" she said.  
Jade motioned to the car. "Let's go." she said and they piled in.  
Back at the Manor:  
The girls assembled in the kitchen and Naomi tied everyone's apron, securing the knots and striking a pose. She looked at the ingredients on the counter before smiling and slapping a bowl, spoons and other things on the counter. She found a stereo in a corner and switched on some techno music.  
"What are you fighting for...what are you fighting for? Don't say it in Russian, don't say it in German...just say it in broken English..." she sang along as her and Jade began to seriously break it down on the kitchen floor.  
"Um...don't you guys have something to be doing?" Seras asked in astonishment, gaping at the two girls dancing in front of her.  
Suddenly they stopped and began to work with insane speed, in perfect harmony, dragging Seras in on some parts, until they wiped their brows and picked up four cookie sheets each...of scones. Cinnamon, raspberry, jam, even gummy bear scones were all laid out...looking like some sort of invasion force in perfect rows, in perfect shape. Naomi and Jade high-fived each other. "This is...sooo awesome!" Naomi exclaimed and Jade spun around. "We're in Phase ooone...we're unstoppable...wee!" Jade was singing. Seras sighed and left the room.  
Walter entered the kitchen to find Hellsing's two latest undead gettin funky with the groove in the kitchen to some crazy jazzy music.  
"What is that?" he asked.  
"It's some guy named Yaushii Ishii"  
"Oh...what were you doing"  
"Making the Xtreme sconage to kill master"  
"Alright"  
He also sighed and left the room, shaking his head as he bumped into Alucard.  
"What's going on there? Police girl said she didn't want to talk about it"  
Walter remembered the moshing vampires and shuddered. "They're in the kitchen if you want to find out for yourself, but I don't want to talk about it"  
"Hmmm...humans. Hmph"  
And with that, Walter watched as the red-clad vampire phased through the wall and prayed he would come out alive. He went outside and continued to complete his collection of hedge-Pokemon. He was on Bulbasaur now, no use quitting.

:†:Back in the Kitchen:†:

BING! The timer went off and Jade removed all 8 trays of scones and cookies from the oven, starting to cut cheese into small blocks, and cylinders. She mixed them with bits of scones to make bullets. Her and Naomi loaded their guns and smiled.  
"Xtreme...scones...whoa." Naomi said with a smirk.  
"Now we're unstoppable"  
"YEAH"  
Right then a familiar figure phased through the wall and almost dropped dead again. All Alucard saw through his red eyes was Naomi and Jade covered in flour, with some bizarre music in the background, and they were getting their freak on; dancing on the floor.  
He pulled his hat over his eyes and instantly regretted it.  
"Fire!" he heard Naomi say.

Naomi picked up some scones and cheese bullets and loaded them into her gun. She and Jade aimed them at the tall man in front of them and fired, sending Alucard to the floor where they continued to beat him with scones and cheese. Also throwing teddy bears and stuff at him. When he was knocked senseless and on the floor, Naomi grabbed Jade's hand and ran.

When he finally recovered from his dizzy-ness, Alucard walked to his coffin, vowing to kill both the newly created vampires. As he wrenched open the coffin lid, his eyes blazed with rage.

The entire thing was filled with teddy bears, scones, cheese and chocolate.  
"NAOMI! JADE! SCHOOLGIRLS! GET IN HERE NOW!" he roared.  
Naomi heard the mighty yelling and stretched. Seras, who was standing in the doorway shook her head. "Told you..." she said.

"Hey Jade! We're getting in trouble!" Naomi called to her sister. She rushed to where Jade was and did a little frantic dance.  
"Our..our..our PLOT! Our scones! OUR CHILDREN HAVE BEEN DISCOVERED"  
she cried and began to sob. "I need comfort!" the little vampiress cried and went up to the kitchen and laid out all the cheeses and scones, crumpets and cheesecake and spoke to them quietly.  
"DON'T MAKE ME SAY IT AGAIN! I'LL COME FOR YOU TWO IF YOU DON'T GET DOWN HERE NOW! You two are in so much trouble you have NO IDEA!" Alucard's voice rang from the basement. Seras came from behind her and dragged her away from the ensemble of dairy and lunch products. "NO! Not ...don't take me away to him! Don't make me leave them! Fare thee well little cheeses! Remember me well! For this may be the last time we meet! Gooodbyeeeee!" she cried until Jade told her the story of the Stinky Cheese Man.

"You two better get down there. I don't want him coming up here while I'm here!" Seras scolded and shooed them off. Naomi clung to Jade. "Sissy... I'm scared... he's mean..." she whimpered.  
"Naomi...the cheeses wouldn't want you to be so frightened. Use the power they have given to you. Harvest the power of the scones!" Jade said comfortingly.  
Naomi stood up and began to march to Alucard's room.  
"Yeah! And I'll be darned..." she started.  
"..if he steals our cheesy goodness!" Jade finished.  
However, when they saw the angered vampire; it became hard to hold onto that courage.  
"Damn." Jade said.  
"Yeah, what burned HIS scones"  
"Don't speak so vilely about teh sconage"  
"Right, but he does look ticked. Maybe"  
"...we should run on the count of three"  
"Yeah if that door hadn't closed and we weren't trapped in a seemingly black abyss"  
"Oh...right...maybe we should offer"  
Jade cleared her throat. "Alright, mister Alucard. We have recently checked over your credit and found you are eligible for a GOLDEN VISA! The benefits of this"  
"SILENCE!" came his answer.  
"Alright we'll skip the benefits! Eheheh...yeah...let's run"  
"My feet are stuck"  
"Frozen with fear"  
"No, just a wee bit nervous"  
"Wanna pray"  
"Nah"  
"Let's envision that snow globe"  
"And hope he doesn't beat the crap out of us"  
"I don't like being hit." Naomi said softly, but that was kind of stupid to say because then she got slapped and began to cry.  
"Owww! That's not nice! That HURT!" she wailed. Of course, that only earned her more blows and not so nice comments.  
"Big sister! The cheese! Call upon... The pocky!"


	5. Chapter 4 Target Practice

**:†: ****Hellish Scones and Cheesecake Heaven ****:†:**

**:†: ****Chapter 4**** :†:**  
**: Target Practice :**

"Listen, you." Jade stood up, "Nobody, hits my sister. Got it?"

"Talking back are we?" Alucard said with a threatening tone, "You belong to me, there's nothing you can do about it."

"Nothing eh?" She said, cheese and scones falling out of each sleeve. She caught one of each and Naomi caught several others. "We'll see nothing."

At that moment, Jade sent two well aimed hunks of cheese (Gouda and Brie) towards Alucard. Followed by a scone, some cheddar, Bleu, and Edam from Naomi.

"Take that!" Naomi called, getting up and helping her sister. From seemingly nowhere, she grabbed several boxes of pocky, ripping each one open and handing the sticks to Jade. "You know what to do with these."

Jade nodded and grinned, striking a pose as she held them ninja-throwing-blade style. "Well, Alucard. Are you going to say you're sorry?"

"What! How do they have such power? I should not be affected by such Dairy Products!" he sputtered, trying to regain control of the situation, as several pocky sticks sliced by. The only reason he survived the blow was because he had chosen that moment to morph –the attack only blew away part of the black mass.

_Master! Requesting Restriction Release, level one!_

"What for?" Integra asked, not looking in any particular direction.

_The girls! They need to be punished._

"Surely they can't be that bad." Integra offered, "They're barely a few days old."

_Arg! They are bad! I cannot properly discipline them at this power!_

"Sorry Alucard, they aren't a threat to England and the country, you just need better parenting skills."

_Wha-? I need the restriction lifted! Level 3! Level 2! Level 1! No, no more scones! NOOO!_

"What's up with him?" Integra said as she returned to her evening tea. "Ah well, it's about time he learned not to bring home strays. This'll be good discipline for him."

: Back in the dungeon :

"Hey! Wait a second," Naomi tugged her sister's sleeve, "Can't we just bribe him into stopping?"

"Hey! You're right!" Jade said, throwing one more DartPocky™ before straightening out her chains. "Alucard, if you don't say sorry to my sister for hitting her, I'll tell Integra about Mr.TwinkleToes!" she said defiantly.

"And if you don't stop trying to attack us, I'll tell the queen about Oprah! You know you don't want that," Naomi threatened.

"Wh –what? You wouldn't!" Alucard said, exasperated.

"Try us," Jade said with a toothy grin.

Alucard grumbled for a moment, "Fine, whatever. So long as you don't say anything. The second you do let it out, however, consider your unlife a very long and painful one."

"Sure thing, Pops!" Jade said and glomped him.

"Grrr…"

"Uh-uh-uh!" Naomi said, waving a finger. "You do anything, I tell." She pointed out, and glomped him as well.

"… Meh." Was all Alucard could say, feeling defeated he attempted to climb over to a chair, when the door opened.

"M-master? It got quiet, are you done with t-the girls? Integra want them to go through the –oh my."

Seras came in and saw the girls, clinging to a somewhat dreary Alucard. "What happened… I thought you'd be dead by now."

"Oh nothing a little diplomacy can't solve." Naomi said as she and her sister got up and fixed their clothes.

"So, what does Integra want?" Jade asked, looking cheerfully at Seras.

"Oh! Right, she wants you two to go through the course with the rest of the new recruits."

"Ah, sure thing, we'll be right out."

: Later, at the course :

"Alight people, does everyone understand? Good! Any questions?" Seras said, looking over all of the new prospect members of Hellsing. Naomi and Jade where to the side, both wearing tight black shirts, matching skirts, and fingerless leather gloves over a set of white ones (The white orders of Integra). Naomi also wore knee-high stockings and combat boots, long sleeves and chains dangling around her waist. Jade had green fishnet arms and stockings with a set of plain black boots.

One poor soul raised his hand, "I hear that there's a Vampire working for Hellsing, is this true? When can we meet him? I'd love to show him what I can do." The man gloated with a grin as he looked around at his buddies in arms.

Jade and Naomi snickered as Seras answered the question, and put quite the bend in his gun. They loaded up their supplies.

"Cheese?" Jade said, scanning the checklist,

"Check."

"Scones?"

"Check."

"Pocky?"

"Check."

"Ramen?"

"Check."

"Alrighty, looks like we've got everything." Jade said happily, loading the supplies into two bags.

"Wait! What about a Bento box?" Naomi pointed out,

"Are you sure? That's pretty heavy-duty for this course." Jade said, slightly concerned.

"I'm not worried," Naomi said, grabbing the one she had brought along, "We need the practice, right?"

Jade nodded, and grinned with her Sister. "Sounds good, put it in."

"What are you doing?"

The girls looked up to see a somewhat bored Alucard hovering over them. "Just suiting up." Naomi said and wrapped her tool belt around her waist. "We've got everything we need now to fight evil!"

"Nuh-uh, not for this course. If you're going to practice with these humans, you bring a gun." Alucard said.

"Agreed, we want an equal playing field for everyone, you don't need all that food, dinner will be later." Integra stated.

"But Mooooom –" they whined.

"No buts! And if you call me mom one more time, you'll be the targets, got it?"

"Yes, Mo-am." They said, unloading their belts. "Can I bring some pocky?" Jade piped in.

Integra thought for a moment, "Fine, I don't see much point to it though."

"Yay!" The girls exclaimed, emptying several boxes into their utility belt.

"Bring a gun, however, and you may want to save some space in there for ammo." Integra said before leaving to the safe room.

"Is everyone ready? Good! The doors will open in one minute, you know what to do." Seras said, taking her leave. "Good luck, girls." She said and gave the two a thumbs up as everyone bustled into place, Jade and Naomi taking up the rear.

Alucard took that moment to reappear, causing many girlish screams from the recruits. "A note, I told Seras this so I might as well tell you. Don't aim like a Human would, with both eyes, you'll only miss as they do." He said, pulling out his gun and pointing it at a soldier (Who soon after soiled himself) "Aim like you have another eye in your forehead." He pulled the trigger, the bullet went a good three feet over the soldier's head.

Alucard was shocked.

"…"

"…"

"…"

"I missed."

"…"

"I can't miss."

"…"

"It's not possible."

The entire room had their eyes on Alucard, even Integra was watching in shock.

Everyone that is, except the sisters.

"Did you see that?" Jade said between giggles, "The great Alucard, he missed!"

"You bet I did! At point blank range, too!" Naomi said before bursting into uncontrolled laughter.

Alucard Glared, "Why, you –"

"Hang on, 'Cardy. You remember what you said earlier, right?" Jade said, snickers turning into giggles, giggles turning into full-out laughter. "Y –you'd better keep up your, heh, y'know."

Alucard grumbled, put his gun away, and phased out of the room. Integra came on over the intercom.

"W… we'll be continuing in five minutes, once we reset the gate. Stand by, unless anyone would like to volunteer to go find Alucard, he'd be somewhere in the dark dungeons."

Not surprisingly, nobody volunteered to go find the rather pissed off nosferatu.

After several minutes of cleanup (and getting the poor near-soul to a psychiatrist) the troops had gotten themselves together, and the girls had stopped giggling.

"20 Seconds" Walter relayed over the intercom.

Naomi and Jade grinned, performing their secret handshake near the back of the troops. The goal was clear, it was their job (With some assistance from two recruits) to take out the main target.

The door began to rise.

"Search and Destroy"


	6. Chapter 5 The Evil is in the Batter

† Hellish Scones and Cheesecake Heaven†

Chapter 5: The evil in the batter

Naomi buckled two Uzi's into her belt along with some ammo. Of course, she didn't intend to use them that much, but they might come in handy. Besides, they looked way cool. She winked at Jade and gave her sister the thumbs up sign as the gate started to rise.

"Things might get messy.." remarked Jade with a grin.  
"Hey, look at that guy over there! He looks cooler than all the rest." Naomi said and pointed to a taller man in a tan uniform with an eye patch, insanely long braided blonde hair and a Britannica Cowboys hat. She waved at him and he smiled back before Jade dragged her through the entrance to the labyrinth.

:In the Dungeons:

A particularly ticked off nosferatu was glooming around the dungeons of the manor, moping and getting riled up at the prospect of beating the crap out of his two new fledglings.

"Why don't I pay them a little visit?" he asked no one in particular and laughed as he reloaded his guns.  
"They'll get it for disgracing me like that... Stupid little idiots and their dairy allies..."

In the darkness of the dungeons, Alucard began to plot.

:Back at the Course:

Jade and Naomi stood back to back ready to breach a door in the maze-like training course.  
Jade bent down to the door and placed a packet of ramen at the door's base. Naomi stood back and plugged her ears with her fingers as Jade proceeded to light a pocky stick and stuck it in the box.

"You could always shoot the lock.." a soldier said as he walked by.  
Naomi and Jade glared at him. Naomi's sister jumped out of the way just in time as the door exploded and stray strands of ramen bounced all over the place. Jade readied some bullets into her gun as she took up point and waltzed into the now smoke filled room with Naomi covering her.

They both fired simultaneously at the non-moving target, Naomi hitting the head and Jade covering the heart area. They moved out fast, and Naomi found a room that she liked being occupied by another soldier, so she incapacitated him with a stale scone and bounced around the room with amazing speed, dragging the side of her hand into the target's neck, chopping off the head. Then she made a smiley face with bullets and left.

The course seemed to be going well until the sisters both got lost and wandered around in confusion. Naomi plopped down and made a fire with some pocky sticks (yes they burst into flames..?) , pretending to warm herself with it.

"You idiot! Don't waste ammo!" Jade said and stomped out the fire.

"Look! A room! See? We're not lost!" she sad more cheerfully and they bust through the doors, firing...pocky? Out of their guns and successfully shooting THROUGH the target's heart.

"You sharpened them I take it." Naomi quipped and Jade nodded and grinned.

"Course complete. Thank you for training with Hellsing. All remaining recruits are to report to the central room for the briefing on the second half of the course." Integra's voice said over the PA system.

"Guess we'd better go then!" Jade said and smiled.  
Naomi closed her eyes and spun around in glee, accidentally bumping into the soldier she'd seen earlier.

"You girls surprised me! You're actually pretty good! However, I think you missed a room. Go check it out." he said with a heavy French accent and pointed them in the right direction.

They jumped off happily and opened the door cautiously. Then it suddenly shut and Naomi let out a cry of pain. Alucard had decided to descend from above and was presently standing on Naomi, who he'd landed on.

Jade struck a pose and aimed a few DartPocky™ at the offending vampire, who now was grinding Naomi's head into the ground with his booted foot.

"Get off of my sister, you fat oaf." Jade said flatly and alucard obliged, releasing Naomi, but with a swift kick in the side. Naomi began to cry and cowered for a bit in back of her sister before Jade released a hail of pocky with rage at her master. But, they all dropped to the ground and something EVIL hit her hard in the face. She lifted the offending object off of the ground and Naomi gasped.

"Buttermilk tea biscuits! How...COULD you!" Jade exclaimed.  
"Haven't those been outlawed?" Naomi asked and Jade nodded.

"Strictly forbidden." she said.

"Alright you little peasants, time to confess! This room is rigged with microphones so once you tell everyone you've been bribing me, I'll finally be free of you. Go on, speak! Or do I have to beat the truth out of you?" Alucard said menacingly and sent forth another hail of biscuits at the girls.

"I'd never thought that I'd use such stupid weapons but I thought they might hurt." he said and grinned.

After a merciless torture that left them both on the ground, Naomi screamed as her master ripped off her utility belt and dumped out the contents. He crossed over to Jade and did the same, then kicked her in the stomach.

He pointed his fully loaded gun (loaded with the biscuits) at her head and hissed, "Tell now, little one, or your sister who I know you love so much, gets it!"

Naomi stood up slowly and exchanged a look with her sister before blurting everything out.  
"Fine fine. We bribed Corny 'Cardy here, with some...stuff into turning us into vampires so we could survive. We don't deserve to be here at all! That's all we are...cheap...liars." she said and burst into tears as Alucard relinquished his grip on the gun and went over to smirk in Naomi's face as she cried.

"Did you hear that, master?" he asked into a mike on his collar.

"Hear what?" Integra asked back and a trace of anger ran over the vampire's features.

"Hear their testimony, that they've been bribing me!" he said through clenched teeth.  
"Sorry, didn't hear anything."  
"What do you mean? This room's wired with microphones!"  
"Oh those? Those haven't been working for ages! I only put them in so the troops would think that I was monitoring them and perform better. I'm really watching everything on monitor and what I did see was you giving the girl's quite a beating, for no reason. We'll have to have a few words about that."  
"But...I'm not lying! They bribed me into biting them!"  
"Oh stop trying to conceal the fact that you felt sorry for the poor things and turned them into undead. Stop trying to blame them you git." Integra said and severed the connection.

By the time he felt angry enough to turn around and take out his wrath on the two girl's he saw them through the doorway, each happily on Capitan Bernadette escorted them to the beginning point of the second half of the testing. Jade was getting a luxurious piggyback ride while Naomi looked rather happy herself as she sat upon his shoulders and wrapped her arms around his neck and her legs as well.

"Not that I mind doing this for two hot chicks, but why exactly am I doing this for you?" the French mercenary was asking.  
"Because you love us!" Jade said and Naomi squealed, as both sisters glared in Alucard's direction. Alucard roared angrily and smashed down the walls of the training course with his mind.

:Back at the Manor:

Having just received a scolding from Integra, Alucard decided to terrorize the girls some more to relieve himself. He phased through Jade's door and found the three girls in various states. Jade was jamming to some music on an iPod, Seras was reading a story to Naomi on her lap as she played with a doll. In anger and frustration, alucard snatched away the  
doll from Naomi and ripped it's head off in front of her, enjoying watching her cry. However, Naomi would not be defeated that easily. She crept off Seras's lap and began to build a block tower in the corner and Jade joined her.  
"What colour is this?" Naomi asked Seras pointing to her nightgown.  
"Lavender I think."   
"Oh...pretty."  
The sisters continued to build the cheese block tower, and Seras reluctantly joined. Soon the girls had eaten the entire tower and decided to make one out of real blocks. That were painted to look like cheese. Seras and Naomi began to fight over a pretty blue block so Jade had to break it up before Seras, who was on top of Naomi, actually started choking her like she threatened to do. Within seconds, everyone was playing happily before Seras noticed alucard still trying to look menacing.  
"Why don't you join us?" she asked and Alucard grinned, trying to snatch a bigger block out of Naomi and Jade's hands. They wouldn't let go, and soon all three vampires were rolling over each other, each trying to reclaim the block for either side. Seras sat watching them wrestle, tumbling around on the floor until finally Jade had pined his legs down and Naomi was holding his head in an arm lock as Seras came over and plucked the block from his grip. The two sisters let go, and all three little vampires went back about their dairy like business. Suddenly a ticked off alucard came and knocked down their tower and all three burst into tears.  
"I'm telling miss Integra!" Seras wailed and fled.  
Naomi and Jade wiped away their tears and fumed.  
"That's it, we're telling!" they said and Alucard gaped.

"You wouldn't DARE." he said.  
"Wait, Naomi, can't we use...THAT now?" Jade asked and Naomi nodded.  
They got up and both struck Sailor Scout poses.  
"In the name of the Moon... Which IS made of cheese...YOU shall be punished!" They said and began to chant.  
"Oh DO amuse me." alucard laughed.  
Suddenly an image of a bento box floating in space  
came to the room and a cheese like moon appeared by it.  
"Super... destruction... wave... shock magnifier... happy... bubble... pretty... pocky... discount... Bento field... of...CHEESE FILLING!"

They shouted and suddenly phantom scones and ramen appeared, a tiny spirit popping out of each one. They began to attack and a bright light, the colour of Gouda cheese filled the room. As soon as the spirits had done their duty and the red-clad vampire was on the floor, the girls began to strike another pose.

"No more! Please!" alucard begged but it went on.

"Suuuper.. magical... puppy... WARDROBE MAKE-OVER!"

They shouted and Alucard's clothing disappeared only to have him go through a Sailor Moon like transformation, and come out in a frilly long dress and hat. He shrieked at the bright pink colour and the girls could do nothing but laugh and when Seras came in, she fainted.

As the embarrassed vampire traveled through the manor, everyone who saw him either fainted or laughed. And the hard part was, he had to be stuck in this ridiculous garb for the rest of the night. When he went out and faced Anderson, he won because Anderson had a cardiac arrest and is now hospitalized. The girls felt that was good enough punishment for him, knowing it wouldn't stop him from being mean and went off to find a Mr. Pip and glomp him.  
"What a great night" they both said as they fell asleep on top of Seras who they had made party so hard with some pocky.


	7. Chapter 6 Vampire Hunting 101

:†: Hellish Scones and Cheesecake heaven :†:†: Chapta 6 :  
Vampire Hunting, 101

Jade stretched, finding the walls of her new bed. Sitting up, she yet again whacked her head on the roof of the coffin and again threw the cover off the top, a loud clatter echoing as it hit the floor. Jade looked over the edge in slight shock, "I'll have to watch my strength from now on… I don't think Walter wants to have to buy me a new coffin all the time…" She said, looking around and finding her Sister's coffin across the room.

The lid creaked open and two Violet eyes peered out, "What was that?" Naomi asked. "Ah, sorry about that." Jade said, the equivalent of a sweat drop sliding down her face, "I don't think I'm quite used to this, shall we bug sister for breakfast?" "Yeah! I want toast!" Naomi said, the lid to her coffin clattering to the ground beside her "I want waffles!" Jade yelled, getting up and straightening her nightgown, "Cereal!" Naomi announced, getting a hand from her sister as they both left the room, "Oatmeal!" Jade called through the halls as they came to the lower kitchen, "Aaand…" Naomi started, "Oh, you know it." Jade said to her with an evil grin, "SCONES!"

"What are you two girls going on about?" Integra started, she had been sitting at the table enjoying her evening tea, waiting for the nighttime occupants to awake when the girls had come through the door, shouting about all sorts of baked goods.

"Breakfast time! Breakfast time!" the girls started to chant as Walter came out of the Kitchen with waffles, Toast, and Scones. The girls gasped, "Walter! You know just what to bring!" Naomi said, very much impressed that he had remembered their favorite meal. Walter bowed, "Thank you, madam. I hope you enjoy your meal." Jade smiled, "Thank's Walter! You're the greatest!" she said before both she and her sister began to dig into their meals. Integra scrunched her nose at all of the sweet things on the table, but continued to enjoy her tea either way. When the girls had finished, Integra called their attention.

"I have your first mission for you tonight, Seras tells me that you are ready for a simple assignment, so here you have one. Your mission, which you will accept, will have you working with the Wild Geese, Seras, and AF-12. The assignment is elementary, a simple security watch. It's the annual New Years Gala ball at the Queen's residence, and there is a high risk of vampire activities at the party, so naturally, the Queen's Knights will protect her, and keep the party a success." "Ooo! Is it undercover work?" Naomi asked, darting her eyes suspiciously from side to side, "Will we get to dress up?" Jade quizzed, humming the Mission Impossible theme and followed her sister's lead. Integra sighed, "There will be undercover elements, yes, but that's only half the job. You'll have to be able to locate and destroy any freaks that are… unfortunate enough to come to close to the festivities. Surveillance will be your first responsibility, no freaks that enter will leave, do you understand?" "We got it," Jade said as both she and Naomi pushed their plates away, "So, when are we leaving?" "Within the hour, Seras has final instructions for you both." Integra said, standing up and heading out. Before she left, she turned to the girls. "Good luck on your first mission, and remember to stay focused." "We will" Naomi said, waving, "Thanks, mom."

Integra gave them a '…' look, but decided not to question and left the room, Seras came in after she left with a slight smile on her face. "Ready to raid the closet?" Naomi and Jade Grinned, "Ready as always."

Naomi came out from behind the dressing screen, looking over the gown she was wearing. "This doesn't feel right." She said, turning around in it, "I feel like… one of those collectable dolls!" "But it looks good!" Seras said, adjusting the skirt to the outfit. It was a two-piece ordeal; the black top came down to a V-shaped bottom, blue mesh coming off of the top to act as sleeves and a scarf. Black gloves with feathered edges wrapped her hands, and a black skirt with blue glitter came down to the floor. "I think it looks awesome!" Jade said, coming out from behind another screen, she donned an emerald green dress with slits on the sides and green gauze arm band-like sleeves. As well, a silver chain of half-moons wrapped as a belt around her waist and her hands sported a set of green fingerless gloves over a set of regular black ones. "But here, put this on." She said, tossing a similar belt to her sister. "I found them in the bin, you've got stars and I've got moons" she said with a grin, pointing to her own. "Awesome!" Naomi said, grinning, but Seras stepped in, "Aren't those silver?" "Nope! Faux-Silver, cool, huh?" she said as Naomi did up the belt, "What about shoes?" "Here, try these on," Seras said, handing Jade a pair of slippers. "These are ballet shoes…" she said, looking at them suspiciously, "Green Ballet shoes with green ribbon." "I know," Seras said, "but you'll be able to move quickly in these, and that is probably our number one problem in those dresses." She said, handing a blue pair to Naomi as well. "That's okay," she said, pointing to her platform shoes, "I'll wear these, you don't want to get a kick from me in my platforms!" Seras smiled, "Whatever works, now then, your hair…"

Mission #: 1 Assignment #: 4286 Place: Outside Gala Ball Time: 20:20

Jade stepped out of the Limousine, smiling to the crowds of people as she walked next to her sister, Integra ahead of her and Walter driving the limo. It was perfect, the theme for the evening was multicultural, leaders from all over the world were there to celebrate the occasion, and celebrating they were.

"Whoa," Naomi said, putting how everyone felt into words. "This really is a Gala Ball…" Integra smirked, "I'm trusting that you have everything?" Jade nodded, "Silver tipped, magnesium filled throwing needles," she confirmed, "I would have brought some Pocky, but I don't have anywhere to put it in this dress…" she whispered to Naomi. "I've got my sword." Naomi told Integra, then whispered to her sister "I've got some if we need it tonight, plus there's some over at the buffet table," she motioned to the table. "I couldn't get a bento though." "That's okay," Jade whispered back, "I see scones on the other end of the buffet." Naomi looked, and smiled when she saw them, "Excellent! We're well prepared as long as nobody eats them all." Jade giggled but then put on a straight face when Integra turned around. She wore a long blue dress and long gloves that matched her hair. "Now remember ladies, we are on duty. No alcohol, and stay alert. If you see any of the members here being harassed in any way, cut in. But whatever you do, do not embarrass Hellsing." She said, giving them 'The look.' "Yes, mo-am." They said, before finding a seat at opposite ends of the room.

"BlackCat, can you hear me?" she whispered into the mic on her glove, "Loud and clear," she heard from her ear clip. "Nothing's really going on here, over" "Same. We should try to minimize use of the mic, it would look odd if we constantly talk to our hands, over." "Rodger that LittleBat, talk to you later then, good luck! Over." You too, over."

Mission #: 1 Assignment #: 4286 Place: Buffet Table Time: 23:56

Jade was bored. She had expected this to be an exciting adventure, her first mission! Undercover no less! So far, things had not been going as planned, in fact, this mission had been a snooze. Naomi walked up and leaned by the buffet table with her sister, "Slow night, huh?" she said with an unexcited tone, Jade nodded in agreement. "And I thought our first mission would be… you know…" Jade said, near tears. Naomi gave her sister a hug, "Well, the night is still young! We know that better than anyone here." She said, trying to grin. Jade smiled at her sister, knowing that they felt the same way. "Well, I suppose something could happen." Naomi grinned, "That's the spirit!" she said, grabbing some pocky and offering a few sticks to her sister. "Integra said that we could go to the limo for lunch at 12:30." "Really? Good, I need to take 10 soon, thank goodness that Seras found these slippers for me instead of high heels, I would have died in them!" Naomi laughed, "No kidding! I like my platforms though, they make me look taller." She said as Jade giggled. "Hey, look! It's almost midnight!" Jade pointed out as the Queen came onto center stage, and the New Years presentation began. The girls listened to the speech, and smiled when the queen spoke of her trust in Hellsing, then the countdown started. "Five!" The Ball dropped. "Four!" "Three!" "Two!" "One!"

The room went dark. 


	8. Chapter 7 Vampire Hunting 102

:†: Hellish Scones and Cheesecake heaven :†:†: Chapter 7 :  
Vampire Hunting, 102

The entire room was silent for all of two seconds. "Ooh…spooky." Naomi said Jade giggled, but then the screaming started. First it was soldiers screaming orders into their earpieces until the girls finally switched them off. The entire room was in chaos and not knowing what to do, the girls joined in the havoc. "OMIGOD, WE'RE GOING TO DIE!" Jade screamed. "AAHHH! WHATS HAPPENING!" Naomi joined in. After a few seconds, Jade tapped Naomi on the shoulder and the younger sister stopped screaming. "Dude." "Huh?" "We have NIGHTVISION." "OMIGODDDD YUSS!" Naomi said, remembering. They realized that the room really hadn't gone dark to them at all; everything was still visible to them. Jade blinked. "Woaah…" she said. They could see EVERYTHING, just like it was daylight. They looked at each other and nodded, moving through the crowd to the stage where Naomi found the emergency power switch and a spotlight flooded the space around where Jade was standing, right on center stage. S he picked up the microphone and cleared her throat. "People….PEOPLE MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE!" she screamed and the throng of screaming humans stopped movement and craned their heads to center stage. Jade flushed. "Ah, that's better…ladies and gentlemen, there is no cause for alarm…" "Actually there is, there's just nothing you can do about it." A voice interrupted. Naomi poked her head out from behind the curtain and got the view of a back of a rather tall gentleman looming over her sister. He had on a black leather trench coat and his long, blonde hair hung in a ponytail down his back. He pushed Jade out of the way and stepped into the spotlight. "I am holding all of you hostage, you see. And am extremely hungry too. If no one's going to volunteer to die, I'll just jump into the crowd and start eating all of you." He pulled a gun from inside his pocket. "Right, guys?" Five more FREAKS slunk out of the shadows.

"Oh my gooooodness…" Naomi said under her breath and then started to creep out of the shadows. Jade produced a badge from her cleverly concealed pocket. "Hellsing Organization, buddy. I don't THINK so." She said and glanced at Naomi who darted out of the shadows with a flying kick to the FREAK's back, sending him flying. "PA KAW!" she shouted and elbowed him in the back, then pinned him to the floor. A small round of applause came from the crowd. Then someone screamed. Using her enhanced abilities and senses, Jade jumped into the crowd and located a woman being held hostage by yet another FREAK, this one incredibly hideous. "HELP!" the woman screamed. Jade grinned and grabbed her, then thrust a pocky stick straight into the vampire's profane, black heart. It screamed as it turned to dust and Jade made a dash for the buffet table, grabbing some cheese. She popped a bit into her mouth and then quickly located another FREAK, and started lobbing the dairy product at her head. The FREAK hissed at her, and Jade debated whether to use a gun or not, but a gunshot would probably scare the crowd, who were riled up enough as it was. She was being pushed from every direction as the other vampire calmly waded farther into the crowd. She lunged at the she-FREAK and forced a huge block of cheese into her mouth, then took out a pistol and shot her through the heart.

Two down, four to go.

Naomi was struggling to keep down the main FREAK, and she started to panic until the Wild Geese stormed through the backstage door, and filed through the crowd, keeping people calm and successfully disposing of the rest of the FREAKS. Jade returned to the stage, looking like hell, with their favourite blonde soldier, Pip Bernadette. "Looks like you've got the situation under control, eh?" he remarked to the girls and started to address the crowd while Naomi and Jade began the beat-down of the last FREAK. They dragged him backstage while Pip began to speak.

"Erm…all the hostiles have been eliminated---" "HIYA!" came Naomi's voice from backstage. "The immediate cause of danger is—" "PA KAW! Nice one, Jade!" "EAT POCKY FURY!" Jade screamed, and so did the FREAK. "The power will be restored to the building and----" "Please just KILL ME!" came the FREAK'S voice from backstage, trembling with fear. "Oh, I give up." Pip said and walked offstage.

Naomi and Jade finally emerged from backstage with the FREAK'S ashes in their hands. The Wild Geese had secured the Queen and once again, everything had been set right. Naomi threw some ashes up into the air. "Happy New Year, Everyone!" she sang.

From where Integra was watching the entire scene, she shook her head. "Alucard, you have brought me two nutcases."

:Hellsing Headquarters:

Jade and Naomi were incredibly bored. After receiving praise for the success of the New Year's Mission, they had gone back to their rooms, glomped Seras tiredly, bugged their master for a bedtime story, which they did not receive, and sulked in the kitchen.

Naomi sighed. "There's just…nothing to do!" "True dat." Her sister put in. "Argh…we need excitement." "Yeah…" It was true. The entire building seemed to have lost colour, and even Alucard seemed more bored than usual. The sun would be rising soon, and without words, the sisters agreed to call it a night. They climbed into their wooden coffins and got some sleep.

:Hellsing Headquarters, the next night:

A knock on the door woke up Naomi precisely at twilight. She got up reluctantly, the lid of her bed clattering to the floor. She winced and opened the door, rubbing her eyes. A blurry yellow and blue figure was saying something to her…oh, it was Seras. She held up a hand for the other vampire to stop talking. "Wait, wait….HUH!" "Wellokayyouguysneedtogetupthere'slikethismissionandthismissionrequiresyoutwo…"

Naomi walked away while Seras was still talking and knocked on her sister's coffin. Jade popped up in a Frankenstein-rising-from-the-grave style pose. "Whooooo daresss dissssturb my slumber?" she asked in an eerie voice. "Errrmm…." Naomi commented, a bit wide eyed. She gestured to Seras standing in the doorway and made a face. "We have to get up and go on some mission?" Jade popped out of her coffin and Naomi heard the shattering of wood and winced. "Oops…" Jade said, and then pushed Naomi out of the way and began to shake Seras violently. "Are we going somewhere FUN! We BETTER be going somewhere FUN!" the look on her face was almost demonic and Naomi tried her best to stop her from shaking the other vampire unconscious. Her red orbs had already rolled back into her head, and Jade didn't show any signs of stopping. "Actually, I think you'll both like your new assignment. Say its another undercover 'thing', even. You don't even need to start packing for a little while." Integra's voice jolted Jade out of her violent trance. The British woman looked especially tired, there were even slight dark circles under her eyes. "Undercover…" Jade whispered, dropping Seras to the floor. "Costumes?" Naomi asked. "Yes, even contact lenses. But you'll both need to learn to hide your fangs." Jade and Naomi looked at each other. "Learn?" "Yes. Learn. You'll have to be taught, of course." Naomi shot Jade a 'look'. "Taught by…"

:Hellsing Headquarters, the next night:

"Alright you bumbling idiots. Its time to learn the art of fang retraction." Alucard said, pacing around as the three vampires sat cross-legged on the ground in a semicircle in front of him. They were in Jade and Naomi's room currently, and the sisters were giving their master quite a hard time. "Can we have some cookies?" "No." "Can vampires wear braces?" "I don't know." "My legs hurt." "Too bad." "Can we learn something more...exiting?" "Not yet, no." "What if my fangs get stuck flat or in my gums?" "They wont." "Seras pinched me!" "Oh shut up." "But…but…"

Finally, he cracked and threw a paperweight at the girls. Naomi immediately began to cry, and Seras had to give her a good maternal backrub to calm her down. "Now, are we ready to pay ATTENTION?" Alucard hissed and everyone nodded. "Now first…concentrate your energy on your teeth." Everyone concentrated. "Alright, good. Now, imagine the fangs slowly getting flatter and flatter…"

Seras shrieked and Naomi gasped. "OH MY GOD!" "Seras…your chest! Its SHRINKING!" Alucard slapped his forehead as Jade tried to comfort Seras.

After about 10 minutes, everyone was back to normal. "Alright. This time, focus your energy on the TEETH getting flatter and smaller in size." Everyone did, and with a bit more guidance, Naomi, Jade and Seras were able to retract and extend their fangs and fingernails. "Why would you need to extend your fingernails for this mission?" Alucard had inquired. "It makes them easier to paint, y'know?" Jade answered and gave a blue eyed wink. "Look! I'm a WALRUS!" Naomi squealed and showed off her extremely huge teeth. "DUDE!" Jade said. "DUDE." "DUDE!" "Come on, Seras, you try something!" Seras blinked. "Umm…" After a little while, they heard, "LOOK! I'm a Hillbilly!"

Their master gladly ran out of the room.

:Hellsing Headquarters, two days later:

"How do I look?" Jade asked Naomi. She had donned a Navy blue and red British schoolgirl's outfit and braided her hair. Her knee high white socks with black Oxfords and navy blazer coupled with a white button down blouse and red necktie completed the look. Her sister's outfit matched hers, except she had on large round glasses like Integra's and her extremely long black hair was braided into pigtails that fell to mid-thigh. She ruffled the navy blue pleated miniskirt and grinned. "Awesome undercover work, eh?" "Oh yeah." Her sister replied. Seras knocked on the door. "Girls are you ready?" "As EVER." When they emerged, Seras grinned. "Very, very cute! You two look ADORABLE! Thank God I don't have to wear that…" she said and led the girls out to the limo that'd take them to the National Gallery, where they would start their mission.

Going as undercover schoolgirls sounded easy enough. Apparently, the Section XIII chief was supposed to be there, a meeting between Integra and him was supposed to take place. The girls were supposed to follow him around, gather info, report any possible traps to the soldiers undercover and on the scene, and then keep watch over their chief and their master, who had agreed to act as their father in disguise, taking the girls on a trip to the museum as a family activity. Of course, he could cop out, which he probably would. "Do you think this'll be exiting?" Naomi asked her sister. Jade peeked out from her shades and gave a full fanged grin.

"Oh yeah. LOADS of fun." 


	9. Chapter 8 Meet the Neighbors

**:†: Hellish Scones and going to Cheesecake Heaven :†:**

**:†: Chapter 8 :†:**  
**: Meet the Neighbors :**

Mission #: 2

Assignment #: 5397

Place: Middleground Museum

Time: 09:00

"Ooh, lookie Naomi! Over here!" Jade called, running to yet another painting of a black dot on a white background.

"What vision! It's the human soul itself!" Naomi said, gasping at the awe and wonder of the black dot.

"It's probably about the size of your tiny brains," Alucard said gruffly, standing behind the two girls.

It had been forever since the girls had been awake in the day-hours, but thankfully Integra had thought ahead. The girls had been carted from the limo to the Museum in full hooded cloaks that hid their faces from the sun, and bore the Hellsing insignia.

The overcast skies soon became high marble ceilings, and as the curtains dropped the girls had given their cloaks to Walter in return for freshly baked scones. "Oooh, yummy!" Jade and Naomi had chorused, all signs of tiredness and sleep depravation left immediately.

"Give the man some pants!" Naomi now said and giggled, pointing to a reproduction of Atlas holding the earth. Both girls burst out laughing.

"Admiring the art, are we?" Bernard said and smirked. Bernard was the man who was commanding the mission, so the girls had adopted him into the family.

"Sir yes sir!" they chanted when they saw him, but then broke into a fit of giggles.

"When do we start, Uncle Bernie?" Naomi asked.

"Yeah! When will the Vatican be here?" Jade intoned.

"Soon enough," he chuckled, "The meeting doesn't start until eleven-hundred hours, you have two hours to scope out any bugs or bombs. The member of the Vatican that Sir Integral is meeting is known as Bishop Maxwell, remember that. Be alert, ladies, and don't blow our cover!" He said with a wink, giving them a thumbs up.

"We wont!" Jade said and they returned the thumbs up.

The girls were racing through the museum, "No running!" an attendant shouted after them, but the girls just giggled and continued on their way.

"Hey, where'd Alucard get off to?" Naomi asked, looking around.

"He must be in some wall somewhere." Jade said then looked over her shoulder. "Wasn't he over by the dot?"

"Yeah, but I don't think he's there anymore, you know how he drifts off." Naomi said, they both shrugged. He certainly did have a mind of his own, and a knack for being around when he was least needed.

"Ah well, we'll find daddy eventually." Jade said, and turned to actually look where she was going.

There was a woman where she was going.

"Ah! Daijyobu desu ka?" the woman said, quickly followed by "Oooh… my head…"

"Oh my gosh!" Naomi said, untangling herself from the pile of three. "Are you okay? I'm sorry! We should have been looking where we were going, I'm really really sorry!"

"I… I'm okay." She said, pushing her glasses further up her nose. The woman in question was a nun, according to her outfit, and clearly Asian. Japanese…? Most likely, it seemed. "But are either of you hurt?" she asked with a concerned and apologetic look on her face.

"We're fine, we didn't mean to run into you, it was a complete accident!" Jade said, her face becoming flushed. "Are you _sure_ you're okay?"

The nun smiled, "I'm fine, and it's okay. Accidents happen."

"Vas anybody hurt?" another woman asked as she came running up. She had light brown hair, and a German accent. The nun and the sisters got up and straightened themselves out.

"No, everybody is fine." The nun said, brushing herself off. "Just a minor collision, Heinkel, nothing serious."

"Ja, so you are fine then…. Yumiko?" Heinkel questioned.

Yumiko nodded, "I'm fine, my glasses are in one piece."

With a sigh of relief, Heinkel turned to the two girls. "You girls know you are not supposed to be running in the museum, are you with an adult?" she asked, giving them a stern look.

"Y-yes," Jade said, "We're with our… father."

"Very vell, and vere is he?" Heinkel questioned.

"We're trying to find him now, we thought we saw him over there when we crashed into you…" Naomi lied, "But it wasn't him at all."

"Ah, I see." Yumiko said with one of her trademark smiles, "Shall we help you find him?"

"Yumiko, ve have to get ready to meet Enrico, he'll be mad if ve don't make the preparations." Heinkel put in.

"Oh don't worry, I'm sure it won't take too long, it's not like the man can walk through walls." Yumiko said, the girl's eyes widened. "I don't think I ever got your names?" she asked.

The girls returned to normal when they realized the pair was looking at them.

"I'm Naomi!" Naomi said, shaking Heinkel's hand with both of hers, "And this is my sister, Jade!"

The one laughed, "I'm Heinkel."

"And I'm Yumiko!" the nun said, then silently murmured "And Yumi."

"It is vonderful to meet you both." Heinkel said, and smiled when Naomi stopped shaking her hand. "Erm… you 'ave a very firm grip, Naomi."

Naomi shrugged, "I get it from my father."

"Speaking of your father, we'll help you find him." Yumiko said, and then looked up to Heinkel hopefully.

Heinkel sighed, "Fine, but only as long as ve 'ave the time."

Yumiko looked thrilled, and soon took the lead of the 'expedition', walking ahead of everybody else.

"She gets a thrill out of things like this, she used to help at an orphanage and her love of finding lost things prevails still." Heinkel whispered to the girls.

"Lets go all the way back out to the doors, then search inwards from there!" Yumiko said over her shoulder happily, marching along ahead of them all.

"Vat? Yumiko, we don't 'ave time for that!" Heinkel said, running to catch up with her friend.

Naomi and Jade were walking behind the two arguing women, now their friends. "What do we do? We can't let them see that Alucard is our dad!" Jade whispered, worried.

"Why not?" Naomi asked quizzically, looking at her sister.

"These people are holy people, and Alucard is… well…" Jade started, not wanting to speak of it so close to the Nun.

"Santa Clause?" Naomi asked, causing them both to laugh. "Well… maybe we just wont find Alucard. He's probably ditched us anyhow."

No sooner than Naomi had said that, two hands reached out of the floor and the girls disappeared in a puff of black smoke.

Mission #: 2

Assignment #: 5397

Place: Middleground Museum : Basement

Time: 010:00

Jade looked around, "What? Where are we?" she asked. It was pitch black, not that that bothered her. She glanced through the room and saw paintings and furniture, covered in white sheets. Buckets of paint were stacked against a wall, with many rolls of wallpaper and assorted tools were scattered all over.

"I think… we're in the basement." Naomi said, looking around.

"So, maybe your brains are a little bigger than the speck?" a voice announced, the girls turned to face where it was coming from, not surprised to find that there was no one there.

"Alucaaard," Jade called, "You ditched us, what would Integra say?"

"Integra's not going to say anything, because you wont be saying anything either." He said, appearating out of the shadows. "You do know who you were talking to, I hope."

"Well, yeah. Heinkel and Yumiko." Naomi said, standing up next to her sister, "They were really nice to us, even though we crashed into Yumiko."

"And you do realize these two were with the Vatican, and would have killed you without a second thought if they knew you two were vampires?" Alucard asked, crossing his arms.

Jade looked at Naomi, both near tears at the realization that this was true. "Y-yeah… I guess…"

"And furthermore, they're with Section XIII! I swear, I've never met anyone as stupid as you two, you could have ruined everything!"

Naomi was crying now, and Jade was about to join her with a good sob when she thought for a moment.

"Hey… how come they didn't know we were vampires?" she asked.

"You haven't had a drop of blood since you died, blue-eyes. And you have scone breath." He said, pointing at the two girls. "But now, I'm going to go take a nap, and you two are going to go around and install the monitoring devices Walter gave you, and then stay as close to Enrico Maxwell as you can."

"You mean the Enrico they were talking about, was Maxwell?" Jade said, the realization finally dawning on her. "So when they said that they'd make preparations… they meant…"

"Oh boy, you really are that stupid. For the meeting, yes! And they've already got a head start, you have just under an hour to get your act together." He said, giving them a stern look.

"And what are you going to do to help us?" Naomi asked, "You're supposed to be doing this as well."

"Fat chance of that," he scoffed, "Even if I wanted to, I'd be recognized immediately. I'm probably number one on the Vatican's hit list, you know." He said, sounding somewhat proud.

The girls looked at each other. "Fine." Jade sighed, but Alucard grinned.

"Then it's settled, I'll be back for the meeting anyhow. I have a feeling my favorite priest is going to show up." He said, and evaporated into the shadows again.

"Do we have to do _everything_ ourselves?" Naomi asked, and then looked around.

"Yeah, I guess so." Jade said, resting her head on her hand.

"Hey… Jade…" Naomi inquired.

"Hmm?" Jade answered, lost in thought.

"How do we get back up?"

Naomi and Jade darted around the museum, humming the Mission Impossible theme as they jumped around corners and checked behind pottery in search of listening devices and bugs.

"I found a cockroach!" Naomi called,

"Eww, I don't think they meant that sort of bug!" Jade called back, both of them giggling as they returned to their work.

Forty minutes later the girls stood facing the main entrance.

"That's it," Jade said, "We've searched the entire Museum."

"The meeting starts in twenty minutes, should we report back to Integra?" Naomi offered, both of the girls shrugged,

"Sounds good." Jade said, and turned around.

She stopped dead in her tracks.

"N-Naomi-"

"What is it?" Naomi asked, turning to see what Jade was looking at. She stopped short.

At the end of the hall were Heinkel and Yumiko, accompanying a tall, thin, blonde-haired man through the museum.

"That… must be the Bishop." Naomi said.

"No kidding." Replied Jade.

"Heinkel and Yumiko… Alu –Dad was right, what should we do?"

"Nothing for now, we know about them, but they don't know about us. Let's not blow our cover, and come do what we were supposed to do." Jade said, tears coming to her eyes, "I just… hope we don't have to fight them."

Naomi nodded and gave her sister a hug, her eyes tearing up as well. Jade returned the hug, then straightened up. "Should we at least say hello?"

Naomi smiled now, "Yes, lets." She said and immediately brightened up.

Maxwell spoke gruffly to Heinkel, who simply nodded and waved him towards one of the hallways. He said something else, and strutted off, Heinkel following.

"Oh! Jade, Naomi!" Yumiko called waving towards them, Heinkel looked over her shoulder and gave them a half wave, smiling as she left with Enrico. The girls smiled and ran up to Yumiko.

"Did you find your dad?" Yumiko asked, glad to see them.

"Yup! Sorry about leaving you so suddenly, we saw him and sort of ran off to greet him." Jade said.

Naomi giggled, "We didn't crash into him though."

Yumiko laughed, "That's good, we were worried. You should have seen Heinkel, she got into quite a fluster! I'm glad you found him though."

"Oh, Yumiko, do you have the time?" Naomi asked

Yumiko nodded, looking down at a pocket watch. "It is… oh, goodness! Ten forty-nine! I'll be late, at this rate."

Jade looked at Naomi, who looked back at her.

"We have to meet In –Mom before eleven!" Jade announced.

"Yes! The meeting with E–Uncle, for tea!" Naomi said, catching herself just in time.

"I've got to be going as well," Yumiko said, putting her watch away. "It was good to see you girls again, please take care!"

Jade and Naomi smiled, "Don't worry, we'll be fine!"

Mission #: 2

Assignment #: 5397

Place: Middleground Museum

Time: 010:54

"And that's everything." Naomi said, looking to her sister who nodded in agreement before yawning.

"Alright," Bernard said, finishing his notes. "Two women, a blonde priest and a Japanese nun. Got it. Everyone, get to your places please!"

Jade and Naomi nodded. During the meeting, Jade would sit on a bench and eat pocky and Naomi would stand in front of a large illuminated statue in a glass case, looking through the many mirrors secretly placed inside the case to keep an eye on everything in the room. They each wore mp3 players that amplified the conversation, received orders, and played '_Broken English'_ at unspeakable volumes.

"Hey, do you two know where Alucard is?" Bernard asked

Naomi shrugged, "We haven't seen him in an hour."

Uncle Bernie sighed, rubbing his forehead. "Damnit, he's an important part of this operation."

"He'll show up." Integra said, "His dinner depends on it."

Mission #: 2

Assignment #: 5397

Place: Middleground Museum

Time: 011:01

Jade munched on the pocky that doubled as a weapon, and Naomi peered at every secret agent, door, and member of the conversation from the mirrored statue case. She could see everything from her vantage point, and Jade was an unexpected assassin from the bench.

Broken English faded out for a moment, long enough for Naomi's voice to come through the earphones.

"Alright, they're coming." She spoke into the 'lollypop' she had, keeping a keen eye on one of the entrances. Jade pulled up her socks in reply, Naomi watching the secret response.

The conversation started easily enough, a general sense of hostility between all parties was heavy in the air. Alucard phased through a wall, a piece of art, then a roped of barrier, making Maxwell gawk and quiver. Jade closed her eyes and listened to what they were saying, letting Naomi be her eyes.

Enrico was getting annoyed, finally he snapped his fingers.

"Oh my… Jade. Look." Buzzed into her earpiece, Jade opened her eyes.

Alucard was positively beaming, and for a moment a slight air of concern developed around Integra although she didn't let it show. Enrico's face showed a look of triumph.

"So, whit 'er all'o ye heathens doin' 'ere todae?"


	10. Chapter 9 Meet the Neighbors Part 2

NOTE:  
Hey guys its Nyx.Sorry for the impending suckiness and shortness of this chapter, im having a hard time uploading it. Plus I had school and over the summer a job so I havent had much time or creative flow to write.  
Tari:  
I've finally managed to get the spacing decent! Chapter 10 is on its way, check on the main profile page for details and updates.

CAUTION:  
This chapter contains a current pop song. No I dont actually like the song it just makes me giggle. So I put it in. Please enjoy and send new chapter ideas!

**†Hellish Scones and going to Cheesecake Heaven†**

**:†: ****Chapter 9 ****:†:**  
**: Meet the Neighbours :  
: Part 2:**

Mission #: 2  
Assignment #: 5397  
Place: Middleground Museum  
Time: 011:15

"Bernard, we have a tackily dressed Bishop, mom, several spiffy agents…and one strange talking, lanky, peroxide blonde… priest?" Naomi buzzed into her headset, surveying the situation.

At Jades location, she immediately stood up, locked her box of pocky into her belt and buzzed her sister back. "Is anybody fighting yet?" she asked cautiously.

Naomi surveyed the situation from the statue case carefully.

"So we meet again, Judas Priest," Alucard said smugly, drawing his gun from beneath the fold of his coat. More words and violent gestures commenced as Naomi tried to keep up. Integra and Enrico actually looked a bit worried as their two servants got more and more worked up.

"Umm theres lots of big words, pa's got the shotgun and the priest has knives!" Naomi relayed into her mic. "Lets go, Naomi."

"That's a roger." Bursting from her place on the bench, Jade gracefully executed a few backflips and landed soundlessly on the floor in back of Alucard, her limbs in a kung-fu pose, sticks of pocky laced between her fingers.

Seconds later, Naomi leaped from the top of the statue case and was able to not-so-artfully flip herself into a tangle of ropes.

Alucard rolled his eyes as the fledgling finally freed herself from the tangle and joined her sister in a fighting pose after a good minute.

"Ready Naomi?"  
"Ready! In the name of the moon-!"  
Naomi's statement was stopped by Jade delivering a sharp poke to her sisters forehead.  
"Name of God and Queen, dummy."  
"Oh yeah! In the name of God and Queen we shall punish you!" They yelled in unison and stuck yet another pose.

"Whit the 'ell are ya runnin, 'Ellsing; an organization oar a day care centah?" asked the priest, lowering his knives.

Integra actually looked embarrassed for a moment. "They're ah….agents…"

Jade looked offended. "We're just disposable agents to you? THIS FAMILY SUCKS!"

"Family?" Enrico questioned, raising an eyebrow.

Naomi gave him a "duhhh" look and pointed at Alucard, who immediately became flustered.

"That's Daddy, and our adopted Mommy and theres Uncle Bernie and everybody else."

Awkward silence ensued until finally a howl of laughter broke the silence, joined by another, more feminine giggle. The priest Alucard called Anderson was bent over with laughter, his face turning all shades of red as Naomi and Jade looked on, appalled.

Jade tugged at her sister's sleeve impatiently. "I think Integra's laughing at us too!" she said, reffering to the high pitched giggles and squeals that were sounding. Suddenly the peals of feminine laughter stopped and Enrico cleared his throat.

"Ahem. I had…something stuck in my throat and was choking…"

"Too bad it didn't do you in." remarked Integra with a chortle.

Anderson, however was still laughing. "You…the…big bad Alucard….turned….two….lil…teenagahs? AHAHAHAHA!" he laughed until Jade nailed him in the glasses with a pocky stick, shattering them and sending them to the ground.

"I didn't know we were that funny!" Naomi giggled and Alucard sent an icy stare the sister's way causing them to yelp in fear.

"You WAIT until we get home! You're both gonna get it SO badly you'll be BEGGING me to kill you!" he snarled at the girls.

Suddenly, two female gasps broke the atmosphere of the room as rapid footsteps, two pairs, ran into the room.

"Jade, Naomi? Vat are you doing here?" Heinkel asked, eyes wildly scanning the room to take in the situation.

Yumiko followed and gave them the same questioning look. "I thought you two were with your dad." She said, hands on her hips.

Jade and Naomi rapidly exchanged looks and tried to act normal. Meanwhile, Anderson was still laughing up a storm and Enrico looked concerned, glancing at his servant who was almost on the floor with laughter.

"Two…teenage girls! Nevah kneew you liked yer women young!" he said between laughs.

From across the room, Yumiko and Heinkel gaped.

"But but…they don't LOOK like whores!" Yumiko cried.

Now it was the sister's turn to gasp as Heinkel nodded, her mouth still agape.

"So THAT'S vhy they called him daddy…it all makes sense now…"

"Well, he is dashingly handsome…" Naomi said, a blush coming to her cheeks.

Alucard glared daggers at the two women, growling low in his throat. "They are nothing of the sort. These two are my…fledglings, as a matter of fact." He said with a grimace.

"Seriously? You two cute little things? His fledglings?" Yumiko asked, a surprised look upon her face.

Jade nodded slowly, as Anderson still rolled with laughter on the floor.

"Ill get him oot of here." Heinkel said, moving to drag the priest out of the museum.

"At least they proved useful for something…" The red-clad vampire muttered under his breath.

Suddenly Naomi was hit in the face with a piece of cloth. She pulled it from her head, examining what appeared to be the nun's habit.

"Uh oh…" Jade heard Enrico say as he turned to rush out of the doorway, Bernard escorting Integra hurriedly out the door.

"Whats all the rush about?" Naomi asked and Jade pointed to Yumiko standing almost right in front of them, a nasty looking Japanese sword brandished and pointed directly at Naomi's nose.

Pushing his two servants aside, Alucard promptly cocked his gun at the intruder and ordered the two girls out.

While running, Jade flung some pocky at the seemingly berserk Yumiko, hitting her in between the eyes with a THUMP. Turning tail, Naomi and Jade took the hint for once and ran for the exit.

Seeing the sunshine, Jade stopped her sister before both of them turned into Big Piles Of Dust.

"Theres only one way to get rid of her…" Jade said whimsically and her and Naomi exchanged looks before rushing back into the museum. Meeting each other in the room where they last left their vampiric father and set their MP3 players down on the ground, microphones set on full volume and plugged into the players.

"STOP" they ordered in unison and the fight between nun and vampire ceased as Naomi switched on both MP3s and cranked the volume to the max. They took positions on the floor, back to back as the music came on.

"

I'm bringing sexy back;

Them other boys don't know how to act.

I think it's special, what's behind your back?

So turn around and I'll pick up the slack.

Dirty babe, you see these shackles; baby I'm your slave.

I'll let you whip me if I misbehave;

It's just that no one makes me feel this way.

Come here girl, go ahead be gone with it,

Come to the back, go ahead be gone with it,

VIP, go ahead be gone with it,

Drinks on me, go ahead be gone with it,

You see what you working with, go ahead be gone with it,

You make me smile, go ahead be gone with it,

Come here child, go ahead be gone with it,

Get your sexy on, go ahead be gone with it,

Get your sexy on, go ahead be gone with it,

Get your sexy on, go ahead be gone with it,

Get your sexy on, go ahead be gone with it,

Get your sexy on, go ahead be gone with it,

Get your sexy on, go ahead be gone with it,

Get your sexy on, go ahead be gone with it,

Get your sexy on.

Come let me make up for the things you lack,

Cause you're burning up, I've got to get it fast.

Dirty babe, you see these shackles; baby I'm your slave.

I'll let you whip me if I misbehave;

I'm bringing sexy back;

Them motherf–ers watch how I attack.

If that's your girl, better watch your back,

Cause she's burning up for me, and that's a fact.

It's just that no one makes me feel this way.

Dirty babe, you see these shackles;

Baby I'm your slave.

I'll let you whip me if I misbehave;

It's just that no one makes me feel this way.

Come here girl, go ahead be gone with it,

Come to the back, go ahead be gone with it,

VIP, go ahead be gone with it,

Drinks on me, go ahead be gone with it,

You see what you working with, go ahead be gone with it,

You make me smile, go ahead be gone with it,

Come here child, go ahead be gone with it,

Get your sexy on, go ahead be gone with it,

Get your sexy on, go ahead be gone with it,

Get your sexy on, go ahead be gone with it,

Get your sexy on, go ahead be gone with it,

Get your sexy on, go ahead be gone with it,

Get your sexy on, go ahead be gone with it,

Get your sexy on, go ahead be gone with it,

Get your sexy on.

Come let me make up for the things you lack, I'm bringing sexy back."

It was amazing how they knew the dance routine so well, and by the time they were done, Yumi had run out of the building in tears.  
Going for a final pose, the sisters stretched and turned to Alucard who had his hands over his ears in an attempt to banish the noise.

"Whaddya think?"Naomi asked as she and Jade exchanged high-fives.

"I think…nevermind, you two are grounded." Alucard scoffed and disappeared, obviously embarrassed.

Naomi and Jade shrugged and walked to the exit, taking advantage of the lost and found to grab some hooded sweatshirts, call the mansion from a pay phone and drive off with smiles so big they could've burned themselves.


	11. The Noon Before Christmas Part 1

**:†:**** A Christmas Specail ****:†:**

**:The Noon Before Christmas:**

**Part 1**

**Written By Tari**

**Original Poem by Someone Else **

'Twas the noon before Christmas, in the quiet old house;  
A creature was stirring, another chasing a mouse.

They tiptoed down the hallway with care,  
In hopes that dear Dracula would be unaware;  
The soldiers of Hellsing tried to fight the undead,  
With worries of ghouls biting their heads;  
And with Mamma in her office, a book in her lap,  
She had just settled down for an afternoon nap,  
Down the hallway we snuck, without pitter-patter,  
Jade heard a noise and turned to see what was the matter.

Unknowingly Jade let out a small 'Eep,  
When she saw dear Seras who was still half asleep.  
Seras stood in the hall, simply rubbing her eyes,  
"What are you doing?" she asked with surprise.  
"Hush," Jade replied, "We'll fill you in soon,  
But first we must get past the living room.  
We must get to the kitchen without being caught;  
There's a war to be won, a battle to be fought"  
Seras sighed, "Take care to avoid the light of day,  
High noon is unpleasant, the least I can say"  
They arrived in the kitchen without much a problem,  
Thankfully enough, no one yet sought them.

"Now," Naomi giggled, "For the task at hand,  
We have gone and prepared a geneous plan.  
We try every year to catch him you see,  
But he is more clever and wiser than we ever could be.  
He's unset every trap; avoided every trick,  
But this shall be the year that we capture St. Nick!"

Seras simply sat there, looking dumfounded.  
Why bother St. Nick? Did he deserve to be hounded?  
But the girls took no notice of Seras standing there,  
As they started preparing their forces with care.

"The plan," Jade remarked, "Is compiled without fear;  
With cookies as bait, we will lure him down here.  
He will follow the trail, with milk here and there.  
Until finally he is lost in the basement, unaware.  
We'll knock him out with a bonk on the head,  
Do not worry; we will make sure he is not dead!


	12. The Noon Before Christmas Part 2

"But why?" Seras asked, seeming quite alarmed,  
"Why capture Old Nick, why wish him any harm?"

Why did they do this? Quite simply, it pleased them Tradition was tradition, it needed no reason.  
"I've been plotting his capture since Naomi was born,  
Ever since I saw him on that bright Christmas 'morn.  
He was quite late you see, he had fallen behind;  
And left for me a present not mine,  
The wrapping was messy, though the present was whole.  
But inside was a small lump of coal!  
I turned over the package and searched for a name,  
And found that Miranda T. Finch was who to blame.  
Two weeks later, when pre-school did start,  
Sure enough Miranda was easy to spot I glared at her wicked and I glared at her hard,  
As she rode her new pony all around the school yard!  
Upon asking her parents my beliefs confirmed,  
That was the pony that I should have earned!"

Naomi gave her sister a pat, Whilst Jade sat, hands in her lap.  
"Well," she muttered, "I hope you can see then,  
Why I must trap him, why I do seek him!  
I need him to know that he made a mistake,  
That the present for me was really quite fake!  
For he has no idea of this little disaster,  
With more children every year he only travels faster!

"I suppose that makes sense…" Seras thought and replied,  
"Is there any way I can help, do you need some supplies"  
The girls grinned and nodded, "There's plenty you can do,  
We need to have this set up quite soon!

So they tip-toed around, In such a way only children can.  
Setting the stage for their fail-safe plan.  
Naomi was mixing, Jade baked with great speed;  
Seras took care to have everything they'd need. With Integra at work, and Walter somewhere away;  
For father they prayed, asleep he would stay.  
And by the time the sun set the girls had supplies for a fair,  
Pastries galore, and crumbs everywhere! 


End file.
